I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
