Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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