You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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