I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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