genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
