dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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