im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
