Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Girls should come with a carfax report
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
