need another drink. this is the easiest way
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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