I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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