i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
