I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
