i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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