Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I met the friendliest cop last night
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
