hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
