he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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