Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
this beer tastes like vomit already
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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