He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
