I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
