By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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