go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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