She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
