I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
