rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
