so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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