my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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