This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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