did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
