when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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