how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
