so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
did i walk over a car last night?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
