Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
