I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
