one word: firstdatebathroomanal
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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