I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
