i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
