Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
