I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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