My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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