did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
