we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
