I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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