Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
