Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
