I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
