a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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