the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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