If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
