Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
