Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
